she was this light that i hung on to, with all my life, when all else was dark. she was that warm body that was there, even at the last leg of her life. even with her just being this body, this warm hunk of body in a wheelchair, just staring straight ahead, oh, it didn’t matter even then. god, it didn’t matter, just that she was even there. just sitting there so pathetically, i don’t care, she still was, she was, even at that last moment, still this luminous light i can’t even - i can’t even do justice to who she was for me, to who she still is for me.
and she makes me cry, but in a good a way, a way that’s like some kind of release. a good release, i promise you, it is. it’s a connection, it’s a connection to a beautiful, beautiful, warm, live heart, that’s still beating even in this cold, cold world. and that memory i have to keep forever, even as this crying person.
oh god, i will never ever forget i won’t, i promise i won’t. i can never forget you, because you live on - you’re forever there, and for that, i thank you, you’re immortal, nancy, you’re immortal in my mind, forever, forever. i promise you, i’m not lying. you’ll always be there. and i can laugh and cry at the same time, too, with that very thought in mind.
that’s the love i always wanted, i just wanted someone to understand. and that someone was you. you saw all of my darkness, in a way no one else had ever. and it means the world to me, your spirit is more alive to me than some of those lives that have passed me by in the flesh. and i know it’s weird to say so, but i really mean it.
nancy, you understand what it’s like, don’t you?
are you there, nancy?
are you there? it’s me, joanna, i’ve come again. i just want you to answer the door and let me know you’re still there. are you still, nancy? it’s me. i’m knocking on your door, hoping to find you again.
i can still feel your light. i see you sitting, in your wheelchair, you turn around and smile at me. you say to come by you, you motion for me to come forward, and i do, i do. because i want to go forward to the light.
you bring me close, i walk to you and you take my face in your hand, and you give me a kiss on my cheek. and your cheek is really soft.
you say, ‘come close to me, dear, why are you crying?’ and you have a look of concern on your face, but also of warmth, because you know i’m going to be alright.
and i tell you, “i’m okay, i know i’m going to be just fine, nancy, thank you for asking.”
and i think to myself, thank you for loving me, for caring for me.
i tell you, ‘it’s a little cold out there, nancy. it’s sort of cold,’ and i break down.
and you look with concern with me, and you say,
"i have something to tell you that i haven’t told you yet. but remember how i said i was fortune teller? that i could see the future? well.." and you’d leave me with a little suspense.
and i’d just be tired. i’d just hang there like some limp cloth already used up and wet and wrung out.
"well, sweetheart, you’re in luck today, because i’ve got your fortune. and you don’t even have to pay me for it."
but i don’t even care. i don’t even care that much about what she’s about to say. i just stand there like a weather beaten tower. i’ve already been hit enough times, i just want to stand, just stand up still.
"i know you don’t care very much about what i’m about to say to you, joanna, but i don’t care. i’m going to tell you anyway."
and i think to myself, i’m living in a dream world and i like living in a dream world. i want to be in a dream world.
"joanna, look at me, so i know you understand. look at me in my eyes, and don’t look away this time while i’m speaking to you, please, it’s the only way i’ll know you really heard what i said to you, alright? can you do that?"
and i look up, and i look into her steady eyes.
"joanna, what do i have to say to you? i can’t see into the future, but my tongue can wag, so what will it say to you? it will speak truth, because my heart it as pure as your own, and i think we both know that, don’t we, dear?"
i just stand there, thinking of the winds going past.
"well, i’ll speak to you anyway. i know what you’ve gone through lately, the abuse, let’s call it that because that’s what it was, has been horrible, awful, nasty, where the perpetrators didn’t even know what they were doing, because they can’t see far enough into their own selves. and that’s alright, joanna, because that doesn’t concern us.
what does concern us though, joanna, is your ability to bounce back, your ability to persevere. and in that realm, for that very reason, i would like to award you, well, i think you know. my utter and complete trust and devotion. and you know very well that i do not hand that out very easily. i only grant it to those whose hearts are very pure, like your own. i see in you, joanna, someone i used to be. and someone so full of light and - you just want to help the world, and i see that, even if other people don’t really, not like they should, not in the way that would help them to understand, you as well as themselves. and for that, i am truly sorry.
but i will grant you this, joanna, and you must know it very well - oh dear, you do have heart, don’t you? the kind that doesn’t give up. and that is what i would like to give to you - the perseverance to not give up.
dear joanna, i do love you and i will always love you. you have a thinking, working, knowing, caring, loving, seeing mind. and i don’t see it too often. i will never, ever forget you. you leave a legacy behind with me as well, dear, i do hope you know that. and perhaps the best things are those that go unsaid, because they don’t need to be said. i think you know when you know and you know in your heart. and if people are worried or concerned, then they don’t know because they haven’t fully, and that’s their choice, taken the time to look.
and so i leave you with that, joanna, with those thoughts. i think you know when you know what you know and you know what i’m talking about. be glad, joanna, that you have that freedom to know. and now i’ll leave you, because i think i’ve said enough, dear, i’ll leave you with all my love, and all my hopes. my hope is in you, joanna, it is a strong, undying hope, and i hope you know that. you can do this joanna, you were made and born to do this.”
and nancy would turn away. and i must step into the light, i must step into it again, once i’ve found it again. because you can lose it, if you let yourself. warmth, nancy, that’s what i wanted, and you gave it to me, and i’ll never forget. and now, as you said, i must go, with my eyes towards the light, reaching towards the light, listening, separating light from darkness, light from darkness, into the heart, into the eyes, listening, light from darkness.